The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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