Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize