Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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