Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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