Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
