If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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