hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
