I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
