What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
my shit smells like andre
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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