I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
