I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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