I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
