the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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