i need an iv and a liver transplant
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
