I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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