i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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