I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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