I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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