I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
