It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
