Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Why did my mother make you get naked?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
