I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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