i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
