I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
