I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
