Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
