The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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