Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
