evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
