Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
