I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
