My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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