apparently the secret to your success is patron
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
