peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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