I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
