You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
