I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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