He asked me if I "almost moaned"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
