Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
