Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize