Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
