Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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