This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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