now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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