he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
