I CAN MOONWALK!
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Buhtt sex?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
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