it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
