I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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