I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
