the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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