You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
