My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
