In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
