if you like me you must not know who I am
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
