it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize