There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
